If I ran the national news
by VorikSpockTParaSebastian
Summary: When news producers are evil and crazy things occur, this is kind of sort of what happens... All names used are from a random name generator...


**This is a joke assignment that I turned in just for kicks in Advanced Geography class. Its a spoof news/weather type of report. Keep in mind its supposed to be silly and somewhat inaccurate. Have fun.**

(Open scene to Carmen standing in front of a typical weather board.)

Carmen- Good evening and welcome to our Eyewitness News Special, _weather _you like it or not! (INSERT LAUGH TRACK HERE.) Heehee. Any-who, It was recently discovered that when we report the weather and such, people have NO IDEA WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT! So, in detail, today we will be giving a quick rundown on weather, tectonic forces, erosion, and soil-building, and how they all affect the four spheres of our planet! Let's start by going to our correspondent in the South Atlantic, David. How are you doing David?

(Change scenery to David out in the middle of the ocean in a small rowboat, with a storm brewing behind him.)

David- I'm doing good Carmen, thanks! I'm here in the South Atlantic today to tell you all about the hydrosphere! In case you didn't know, the hydrosphere contains all of the world's water. Weather can have a huge impact on the hydrosphere. Out here in the ocean, the right combination of sun, wind and sometimes rain can cause massive storms, like tropical storms and even hurricanes! Moving on to Tectonic Forces! When plates shift apart at the bottom of the ocean, mid-ocean ridges can form, where magma can seep up and create new sea floor and push the older floor apart. Also, when an ocean plate meets with a continental plate, the ocean plate can be sucked under and melt in the heat of the earth.

(Notice the storm behind him is getting bigger and coming closer, but he doesn't see it.)

David (cont)- When earthquakes occur, the sea-floor can split open, sucking in huge amounts of water, then, when the rift closes through the plates slamming back together, a giant wave can form and wash over the land. This is called a tsunami.

Oceans can erode cliff sides and beaches by beating their waves against them. Another form of erosion in the hydrosphere is the rivers of the Earth carving out great valleys and smoothing rocks out. Water can also seep into rock and freeze, expanding and cracking the rock, another kind of erosion. That's it for me! Back to you Carmen!

(Signs off just as a giant wave flips his boat over and he screams like a sissy.)

(Back in the reporting studio, Carmen is laughing.)

Carmen- Hahaha… Oh… That's funny. Send someone to fish him out of the water please. Woo! Anyways, that was the hydrosphere! Our next correspondent, Randa, is waiting in the rainforest in Brazil to tell us about the biosphere and atmosphere. You may ask yourself, "why the rainforest?" The answer is beacause the producer and I, we're evil. (Chuckles darkly.) More on that later. Hey Randa, How's the Leishmaniasis*, Malaria, piranhas, and mosquitoes down there? Haha.

(Cut over to the Amazon rainforest where Randa is standing in ankle deep muck and swatting at mosquitoes, her hair disheveled and a look of disgust on her face.)

Randa (Voice dripping with sarcasm)- Yeah, its great.

Carmen (via satellite) – Glad you're enjoying it!

Randa (Now with a look of anger and annoyance)- Mmm-Hmm. (Cont. on next page.)

***_Leishmaniasis_**_ is a disease spread by the bite of the female sandfly, common in the Amazon. Symptoms of cutaneous leishmaniasis may include: breathing difficulty, skin sores which may become a skin ulcer that heals very slowly, stuffy nose, runny nose, coughing up blood and diarrhea. It can be treated with meglumine antimoniate and sodium stibogluconate. _

Randa- I should probably get this over with so I can get the heck out of here. The biosphere is the region of the surface of the earth occupied by living organisms. The atmosphere consists of all of the air and gases surrounding our planet. Weather occurs in the atmosphere, and we all know that weather is the state of the atmosphere at a place and time as regards heat, cloudiness, dryness, sunshine, wind, rain, and so on. Things like rain and snow form in the atmosphere when clouds are submitted to certain pressures and temperatures. Erosion, soil-building, and tectonic-forces don't really affect the atmosphere at all. With the biosphere- EEP!

(Small monkey jumps on her back.)

Randa- NO! BAD MONKEY!

(She throws the monkey off.)

Randa (speaking quickly)- The biosphere is the region of the Earth that consists of the surface and of the Earth and is occupied by living organisms. When tectonic forces occur here as earthquakes, they really _shake things up! _(She laughs weakly and mutters "Who writes this crap?")

Soil-Building in this sphere is the process of rotating crops to preserve soil nutrients. For example, if you plant soy beans year after year, they stop growing as well after a few years because soy beans require a lot of nutrients from the soil, especially nitrogen. To replace the nitrogen, you can grow alfalfa, which deposits a lot of nitrogen.

Erosion in the biosphere is the wind and water slowly wearing away at rock and stone or even statues.

Weather is all the phenomenon we experience on Earth. You know, its raining in Seattle and sunny in Cairo. For example, here, in the bloody Amazon, its hot, humid, and partially cloudy. Not to mention it must be 1000 degrees.

(An anaconda slithers over and hisses.)

Randa- THAT'S IT. CARMEN, I QUIT! (Begins stalking off.)

(Back in studio.)

Carmen (Laughing again.)- Haha, no you don't. You're under contract dearie! So, our final sphere will be done by the producer and I, since our other correspondent is in a coma. I told him to pack gloves, but noooooo. He didn't believe we would send him to the Arctic. Silly Ryan. So, the lithosphere, when we return!

(Screen goes dark and male announcer voice says "And now a word from our sponsor".)

INSERT 12 MINUTES OF COMMERCIALS ABOUT BORING STUFF, E.G. TOOTHPASTE* AND K9 ADVANTIX.**

(Back in studio, now with a giant diagram of the lithosphere on the touch screen wall behind the two anchor women, which keeps changing to different pictures.)

Holly- Hi, I'm Holly.

Carmen- And I'm Carmen.

Holly- And welcome to tonight's wrap up of the Earth's four spheres. And now, the lithosphere!

Carmen- That's right. The lithosphere is the crust and upper mantle of the earth. That means all of the rocks and dirt that we can interact with are part of the lithosphere. Tectonic forces originate here because the crust is broken into a bunch of plates, called tectonic plates.

Holly- Tectonic plates, tectonic forces, makes sense, doesn't it?

Carmen- Yup. So when these plates slide around, they build up pressure and tension. When this releases, it is known as an earthquake! Earthquakes really _shake things up!_

Holly- I know that was already used, but its still funny!

Carmen- Yeah, we're comedic geniuses! (High-fives Holly.)

_*We love toothpaste and do brush our teeth twice daily, as is recommended by the American Dental Association, but admit it. Toothpaste commercials are boring. Sorry._

_**We are not at all associated with K9 Advantix. And while the puppies are cute, no one cares about the commercials or what they advertise. Again, so sorry. _

Holly- When erosion occurs, it is _eroding _the lithosphere. When wind chisels at rock or rivers carve canyons, it is the lithosphere that is being chiseled and carved.

Carmen- Weather affects the lithosphere by rain washing rock away slowly, and forming caverns and such, like the Natural Bridge Caverns. Coincidentally, that is also erosion. And when it is really windy out, the wind can blow away at the rock… and…and…you know what? That's erosion too.

Holly- Its so confusing…and when soil building happens, as we explained earlier, it's the SOIL it's happening to.

Carmen- So? I don't get it.

Holly- SOIL IS PART OF THE LITHOSPHERE.

Carmen- Oh, okay, I get it now. Hey, let's send Randa to Siberia next, okay?

Holly- Cool, I like it. But, where will we send David next?

Carmen- The most awful place on Earth…

Holly- The bottom of the Marianas Trench?

Carmen- Even worse. New Jersey!*

(They both throw their heads back and laugh evilly.)

(A few little notes chime electronically.)

Holly- Oops! That's all the time we have! Thanks for joining us on Eyewitness News and have a good evening, _weather _you like it or not!

(Lights dim and more commercials start. You turn your TV off and decide a book might be safer.)

*_No offense to New Jersey It was a harmless joke._


End file.
